Tag: communication

ESSENTIAL LIFE SKILLS

- Jill Leave a comment

Do you possess all of the essential life skills you need not only to survive but to thrive?  Beyond the extremes such as disaster preparedness or wilderness survival and, less dramatically, basic literacy or numeracy, there are the practical skills of daily living such as cooking & cleaning, home and vehicle maintenance, and money management. These are just some of the essential life skills you need to be competent, live independently, and even be self-sufficient.

Also crucial to have are an array of cognitive skills that fall into the category of social-emotional learning (SEL). The core competencies of SEL are:  self-awareness, social awareness, self-management, responsible decision-making, and the tools to build relationships. These skills allow us to adapt in the workplace, in our personal relationships, and in our personal development, and to mentally tackle the challenges of life. Every day we make decisions and utilize the skills we’ve learned, which ultimately prepares us to successfully face the opportunities and adversities that life presents.

But, there is no definitive list of “Essential Life Skills”.  Learning to swim, driving a car, and using a computer are useful life skills for most people. But, each individual will potentially have a different list of skills they consider most essential to their life. And, some skills that one person believes are critical may be deemed unnecessary to another. Certain skills may be more or less relevant to you depending on your life circumstances, beliefs, age, geographic location, culture, etc.

Do you have some weaknesses in any life skills? If you learned new or better strategies, could you improve your overall well-being?  Maybe you won’t know where there is a gap in your skillset until a major crisis comes along?  People often joke that when children are born they “don’t come with a handbook”. Likewise, there are many aspects of being a competent adult that could benefit from having a handbook of skills to follow. At minimum, we would feel more confident in our decisions. No matter how old you are or what life stage you are in, you can always add new skills to your “toolbox” or improve the real-world and SEL skills you already have. After all, the most important skills are the ability and willingness to learn. The more you learn, the more resources you’ll have to adapt to life’s surprises.

All together these life skills make us resilient: prepared to respond to inevitable life changes and cope with the unexpected. Below are a number of books in our collection that can help you evaluate your life skills, assess what skills may be lacking, learn some new strategies, and live a more productive and fulfilling life.

RESILIENCE, SUCCESS, and WELL-BEING

SURVIVAL, EMERGENCY, and EVERDAY HAZARDS

PRACTICAL LIFE SKILLS

   

COMMUNICATION, RELATIONSHIPS, SOCIAL and EMOTIONAL

TEACHING OTHERS THE SKILLS TO THRIVE

 

RESILIENCE, SUCCESS, and WELL-BEING

Resilience : hard-won wisdom for living a better life by Eric Greitens

Type R : transformative resilience for thriving in a turbulent world by Ama Marston

Take charge of your life : 12 master skills for success by Brian Tracy

How to Skimm your life

Why has nobody told me this before? by Julie Ann Smith

Farsighted : how we make the decisions that matter the most by Steven Johnson

Start here : master the lifelong habit of wellbeing by Eric Langshur

Think again : the power of knowing what you don’t know by Adam M. Grant

A survival guide for life : how to achieve your goals, thrive in adversity, and grow in character by Bear Grylls

 

SURVIVAL, EMERGENCY, and EVERDAY HAZARDS

The scout’s guide to wilderness survival & first aid : 400 essential skills–signal for help, build a shelter, emergency response, treat wounds, stay warm, gather resources by J. Wayne Fears

The total outdoorsman manual by T. Edward Nickens

How to stay alive : the ultimate survival guide for any situation by Bear Grylls

The next apocalypse : the art and science of survival by Chris Begley

How to drag a body and other safety tips you hope to never need : survival tricks for hacking, hurricanes, and hazards life might throw at you by Judith Matloff

American Medical Association handbook of first aid and emergency care

Rossen to the rescue : secrets to avoiding scams, everyday dangers, and major catastrophes by Jeff Rossen

 

PRACTICAL LIFE SKILLS

The useful book : 201 life skills they used to teach in home ec and shop by Sharon Bowers

Storey’s curious compendium of practical and obscure skills : 214 things you can actually learn how to do

The lost art of reading nature’s signs : use outdoor clues to find your way, predict the weather, locate water, track animals–and other forgotten skills by Tristan Gooley

Stuff : every man should know by Brett Cohen

How to cook everything. The basics : all you need to make great food by Mark Bittman

The cook’s book : recipes for keeps & essential techniques to master everyday cooking by Bri McKoy

100 techniques : master a lifetime of cooking skills, from basic to bucket list

Personal finance 101 : from saving and investing to taxes and loans, an essential primer on personal finance by Alfred Mill

 

COMMUNICATION, RELATIONSHIPS, SOCIAL/EMOTIONAL

Making great relationships : simple practices for solving conflicts, building connection, and fostering love by Rick Hanson

The power of positive confrontation : the skills you need to handle conflicts at work, at home, online, and in life by Barbara Pachter

Crucial conversations : tools for talking when stakes are high

Hit it off : 21 rules for mastering the art and science of relationships in life and business by Joe Brocato

The everything body language book : master the art of nonverbal communication to succeed in work, love, and life by Shelly Hagen

Ask a manager : how to navigate clueless colleagues, lunch-stealing bosses, and the rest of your life at work by Allison Green

10 mindful minutes : giving our children-and ourselves-the social and emotional skills to reduce stress and anxiety for healthier, happier lives by Goldie Jeanne Hawn

 

TEACHING OTHERS THE SKILLS TO THRIVE

What great parents do : 75 simple strategies for raising kids who thrive by Erica Reischer

Ready or not : preparing our kids to thrive in an uncertain and rapidly changing world by Madeline Levine

Do your laundry or you’ll die alone : advice your mom would give if she thought you were listening by Becky Blades

 

Change Your Mind, Change Your Life

- Callen Leave a comment

You’ve probably heard of positive thinking, affirmations, and other ways to use the right messaging to create better thoughts, and thereby affect how you live your life. You may not have considered it in detail, however, including the studies that show how powerful your thought patterns really are. Recently we added Mind Your Mindset by Michael S. Hyatt to the collection; this book delves into those studies and how you can apply those ideas to improve your performance in business and in everyday life.

However, this is not the first time these ideas have been explored in print. You might also try these other titles for other perspectives on an important concept.

Mindset by Carol Dweck (2006) is the original text on the power of your thoughts – Dweck powerfully demonstrates that if you believe your identity and skills are not fixed, but can always grow and develop, then failure is not a threat to you and your identity, but rather a necessary step in the learning process. She calls this the “growth mindset” and the key to success and change.

In Feeling Good Together by David Burns (2008) (which I have recommended before, and probably will again) he shares the five secrets of effective communication, all of which hinge on a vital mindset change – let go of your need to be right and acknowledge the truth in others’ views, and your relationships will improve. A difficult thing to learn to do, but so powerful.

For a twist on this idea, revisit another of my old recommendations: Presence by Amy Cuddy. This book explores how our posture can affect our emotions, mindset, and performance, including studies that showed results and examples of effective poses. Pairing one of the books above with this one will give you a one-two punch to improve your general approach to life. Be warned, this book could also lead you down a rabbit hole of exploring the fascinating field of mind-body connection with other titles like The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel A. Van der Kolk.

Finally, for a more comprehensive overview, try Success: The Psychology of Achievement  by Deborah A. Olson (2017). There are many, many facts and tips shared here including on managing emotions, expectations, AND your thought patterns for more effective interactions with yourself, with stress, and with others.

Healthy Conflict: Books on Communicating

- Callen Leave a comment

I buy books for the non-fiction section, specifically in the 100s (in Dewey Decimal numbers, this means philosophy, psychology, spirituality and self-help). Sometimes this means that I see books or buy books in my section that send me down a rabbit hole of discovery; most recently I accidentally ran across a 2008 self-help book called Feeling Good Together by David D. Burns. Burns popularized Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), which can make a big difference in the treatment of depression and anxiety, and in this book he gives his advice as a therapist on how to build better relationships with our family and friends. He focuses mostly on the principles of good communication, and how to talk to each other to build more trust, goodwill, and understanding.

I really liked how evidence-based it was, citing lots of examples of actual patients he’d worked with and how their problems had developed and been addressed in therapy. I also appreciated his realistic outlook. He was never afraid to point out times he’d also said the wrong thing, which made it easier to believe his recommendations for good communication. And as recommendations go, they’re kind of hard to swallow: first, you can only focus on changing yourself and the way you think and respond to people. There’s nothing you can do to change the other person you’re clashing with, and trying to change them will only make them dig in their heels and fight back harder. If you change yourself, your perspective and your approach to them, however, they’ll feel more able to meet you halfway as you express humility, respect, and open-mindedness. The most important thing you can do, he says, is to acknowledge how they’re feeling and find some truth in what they’re saying, while sharing, respectfully, how you’re feeling. It’s surprisingly hard to do! Luckily he includes lots of exercises, tables, and journal prompts to help you practice. He also devoted a lot of time at the beginning to discussing whether improving the relationship is really what you want or need, which also shows his realistic understanding of people.

It was a fascinating read, with some helpful concepts, and it made me look for more books on how to resolve conflicts and build better relationships. Here are a few published more recently that touch on similar themes, which I think are also worth checking out:

High Conflict: Why We Get Trapped and How We Get Out by Amanda Ripley

Compassionate Conversations: How to Speak and Listen from the Heart by Diane Musho Hamilton

Them: Why We Hate Each Other and How We Heal by Benjamin E. Sasse

Empowered Boundaries by Cristien Storm

De-escalate: How to Calm an Angry Person in 90 Seconds or Less by Douglas Noll

Buddhism for Couples: A Calm Approach to Relationships by Sarah Napthal

We Have to Talk : Healing Dialogues Between Women and Men

- Brenda Leave a comment

We have to talkHave you ever thought it would be fun to be a fly on the wall during an interesting conversation? Reading the book We Have to Talk : Healing Dialogues Between Women and Men by Janet Surrey and Samuel Shem is like being a fly on the wall during couples therapy. I find it fascinating how our cultural differences are shaped by gender. Understanding between women and men is often lacking (sometimes comedically, sometimes painfully so). The authors of this book hope to change that.

Surrey and Shem are psychologists who are also married to one another. They have been conducting workshops for married men and women for over 30 years.  Their method, put simply, went like this: first, they invited couples to gather together for a weekend workshop. Fifteen people showed up to the first one: 9 women and 6 men. This included four couples and seven individuals whose partners chose to stay home. First, they gathered as a group to talk. Then, Samuel took the men to a different room while Janet stayed with the women. This is when things started to get real. The group participants shared the honest truth about their relationships among their same-sex peers, where they didn’t have to worry about hurting their partners’ feelings. Finally, they re-convened in the larger group.

What happened next was life-changing. The workshops led the psychologists and the participants to some valuable discoveries about themselves and each other.

They came to the conclusion that even though men and women generally want the same outcome from the relationship (connection), they tend to go about achieving it in vastly different ways. Not only that, but the way in which women prefer to connect (talking to their partners) has the exact opposite of the intended effect.

Women: have you ever been talking to a man and get the sense that he isn’t really listening? Men: have you ever found yourself at the mercy of a seemingly never-ending conversation, getting more and more anxious and trying to figure out some way to get out of it? The authors call this “male relational dread.” According to the authors, men often feel threatened and want out of a conversation with their partners about the relationship as quickly as possible. This often has the effect of leaving the woman feeling abandoned, then angry. Her male partner feels ashamed that his actions have upset his partner. When he tries to reconnect, his active attempts to do so (often in the form of physical touch) are received with- you guessed it- the opposite of the intended effect. The woman feels like she is being taken advantage of and wants out of the situation as quickly as possible.

How are couples to find a way to connect when their attempts to do so are by vastly different methods? Surrey and Shem attempt to answer that question. The key seems to be giving the relationship it’s own identity. It is almost like giving it an anthropomorphic quality. That is to say, whether or not the couple has children, it is helpful to think of the well-being of a third entity – the “we” – in the relationship.  When problems arise, approach it by asking the question “What does the “We” need right now?” rather than from a first-person perspective (“Here is what I need…”) The authors refer to this as “mutuality” and they have found it can make all the difference.

To learn more, check out We Have to Talk : Healing Dialogues Between Women and Men by Janet Surrey and Samuel Shem.

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Faber & Mazlish

- Brenda Leave a comment

how to talkIf you have ever felt like the words you speak are falling on deaf ears, you may want to check out How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.

The book is addressed to parents, mostly, but I have found the suggestions presented are useful in many other contexts, too. Teachers will no doubt find them useful, as well as anyone who wants to work on their communication skills or has ever had to deal with difficult people.

The authors learned many of their principles of effective communication from their teacher, Dr. Haim Ginnott, of Columbia University. They went on to hone their approach over many years through their experiences as parents and teachers.

The following principles are taken from Dr. Ginnott’s approach:

  • Never deny or ignore a [person’s] feelings.
  • Only behavior is treated as unacceptable, not the [person].
  • Depersonalize negative interactions by mentioning only the problem. “I see a [broken lightbulb].”
  • Attach rules to things, e.g., “[People] are not for hitting.”
  • Dependence breeds hostility. Let [people] do for themselves what they can.
  • Limit criticism to a specific event—don’t say “never”, “always”, as in: “You never listen,” “You always manage to break things”, etc.
  • Refrain from using words that you would not want [anyone] to repeat.
  • Ignore irrelevant behavior.

The book presents these ideas using amusing vignettes of common scenarios and how best to handle them. If you like this book, you may also be interested in the following by the same authors:

Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too  

Liberated Parents, Liberated Children

Between Brothers & Sisters: A Celebration of Life’s Most Enduring Relationship

How to Talk So Teens Will Listen & Listen So Teens Will Talk