Welcome to our first installment of the Frugal Librarian. It is an empirically proven fact that denizens of this profession possess an uncanny sense of value. In turn, they pass that savings on to you, the consumer.

However, while some folks pinch pennies, this guy has actually been known to cut off the circulation to their extremities. This is his story.

Someone was saying something the other day about reducing one’s carbon footprint. I went to my happy place spiritually where I pretend I’m paying attention. When I came out of this trance, they were gone, as was their message about conservation. Shame.

While I am a responsible consumer, I am even more motivated by the massive amount of financial green (huh, see witty the play on words??) I can save with the MidAmerican Energy Audit. Here’s what happened. I called MidAmerican and they made an appointment to dispatch a representative to my house. At no cost, this man went from room to room taking measurements. Next words out of his mouth were, “Want some light bulbs?” “Yes sir. Yes sir, I do.” “How about a new shower head?” “Sounds nifty to me.” Make all the jokes you want about how thick one has to be to not be able to screw in a light bulb. Sometimes they don’t UN-screw safely. Does that punitively affect one’s cognitive credit score?

He also calculated that if I spend roughly another 900 dollars to put more blow-in insulation in my attic, MidAmerican will cut me a check for $600. The savings on the heat bill would pay for my portion of that within one year, he calculated, citing that 85% of a building’s heat loss comes from the top.

In under 40 minutes, with a twitch of his nose, off this jolly magic man went into the chill night. “On reasonably-priced economy sedan!” he bellowed. “Merry savings to all, and to all a warm night!”